I am so lonely

I don’t understand how you can spend so much time talking to a person and they still will blow you off. I am involved with a guy that I really like. We both work 2 jobs so time is very limited. I told him I was going to be alone tonight and really wanted to see him. He isn’t working tonight but he is “busy”. I know, I know getting involved with someone with kids is hard and he has responsibilities to them but I am so lonely and really need someone to be here for me. Yet again I am not someone elses number one. I really don’t think its too much to ask that for all the sacrifices I make that someone make just a few back for me. If he truly loves me like he says he does he would have, right? I know I am coming off as selfish and I really don’t care. I want someone to want to take care of me the way I have taken care of all those around me.

Under the Same Moon

As she stares at the cold January moon
He feels the cool breeze at his back
They share the same thoughts
Who knew it would end so soon?

They knew it was a fling
Neither were free to allow for more
The connection they felt
was too strong to ignore

The cool he exuded
was just a cover
for the insecurity he felt
For him she was more than just a lover

He made her feel beautiful
wanted, needed, desired
All the things she never thought,
was never told she was

They fulfilled the needs in each other
and grateful each would be
Him for her, she for he
Grateful for the time they were we

guilt is like shit, flush it away

That is what my therapist told me. I said this to BPD and he is still trying to push my guilt buttons. I picked up the kids today and didn't go out of my way to make sure I saw him. After we left he called me and said is this the way its gonna be? I was in the house for 20 minutes talking to the kids while they gathered up their stuff to bring to my home. One of the kids didn't even know where he was in the house. You can hear the door from the garage into the house open and close. If he couldn't tear himself away from the television why should I bother to go searching for him. Do I feel guilty?? Not in the least. Its shit and I have flushed it away!

rough couple of months

It has been a rough couple of months. Too many people sticking their noses into my business. A funny situation got way out of hand and too many people were hurt in the petty jealousy of a woman trying to regain the attention of a man who told her he no longer wanted her. She thought I was the reason this man no longer wanted her, not the fact that she is PSYCHO, oh, and excuse me, HE'S MARRIED. Build a bridge bitch, and get over it. You were a booty call and nothing more. I, on the other hand, have cultivated a genuine friendship with this man. I have no need for a sexual or romantic relationship this soon after leaving my marriage.

I have been separated for just shy of a year now. Well, physically separated from from BPD for just shy of a year, mentally I checked out of the marriage 18 months ago. BPD is a mentally abusive narcissist who fully admitted to me that I was NEVER the top priority in his life. I made him a top priority in most everything I did. I even put him ahead of the children, not that I ever neglected the kids, but I did what he wanted before I took care of my own or the kids needs. How sad is it that for 27 years I was anywhere from 3rd to 9th on his priority list?

I want to be someone's number one. Is that too much to ask?

Was It Worth It?

Compromise and change
Live or die
Stay or leave
Rejoice or grieve

Were the choices I made really up to me?
Did I stay out of fear?
Or was it fear that made me leave?

Love or hate
Abuse or support
Was I feeling what was true
Or was I so disillusioned
the reality was never there

You told me I rejected you
When my world was truly you
And when I was losing myself
You didn't really care

On my own now
and learning to love myself
I truly am good enough
Good enough for me

Why Is Love So Hard

This is so hard
I'm afraid to say it
The truth is
I love you

It seems like forever
that I've wanted you
needed you
always to be with you

It wasn't love at first sight
but now I can see
that without you
my life is lonely

My heart could be yours
All I want is you
but the signals you send
Leave me unsure

I wish you were mine
if I can't be
then that's fine
No wait - that's not true

You will never believe
how hard I tried
to forget the attraction
and my quest for your attention

You may not know it
but my heart you hold it
Be gentle with it - leave it intact
or please, oh please, give it back

first post

I take full responsibility for my own thoughts. If you read what I write, how you interpret what you read is your own deal - don't blame me.

I needed another outlet for my musings on divorcing after 27 years of marriage to the man I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with.

I will also be posting poetry I write.

If you comment be nice, you can be blunt, I am a big girl I can take it, just don't curse or call me names.